Doctor. Thinker. Wordocologist.
The man who gave language a headache.
Welcome to the official (and possibly unauthorized) website of Dr. Cotton Fitzhugh, self-proclaimed Doctor of Talkology and author of All The World’s a Stage… and I Got Crappy Seats.
"Language was never meant to make sense. I'm just here to prove it."
— Dr. Fitzhugh
A former door-to-door dictionary salesman turned decorated Letterenarian, Fitzhugh’s lifelong quest has been to uncover the absurd truth behind serious words.
The Man. The Myth. The Mistake in Grammar.
Little is known about the early life of Dr. Cotton Shirley Fitzhugh. Hospital records indicate he is of South Iowanian descent.
He emigrated to Peoria in pursuit of a career as a door-to-door dictionary salesman, but fate (and poor salesmanship) led him to the United States Sentence Bureau.
Rising through the ranks to become a celebrated Letterenarian, Fitzhugh published his groundbreaking Schwa Theory, igniting fierce debate across the Languastic community.
Today, he remains an influential figure in alphabelogical studies, semi-sensible science, and applied nonsense.
Books by Dr. Cotton Fitzhugh
All The World's a Stage… and I Got Crappy Seats
A satirical masterpiece that examines humanity through the cracked lens of a self-proclaimed academic.
Dr. Fitzhugh compiles misquoted brilliance and philosophical detours that are as profound as they are ridiculous.
Expect laughter, confusion, and the occasional moment of enlightenment — often in that order.
Highlights:
- Sharp, absurd take on everyday wisdom
- Perfect for satire and humor fans
- Best enjoyed with strong coffee (or stronger denial)
Quotes & Nonsense
Wisdom from the mind of Dr. Cotton Fitzhugh
"If knowledge is power, I'm unplugged."
— Dr. Cotton Fitzhugh
"Every great thinker started somewhere. I started in Iowa."
— Dr. Cotton Fitzhugh
"Words matter. Unless they don't."
— Dr. Cotton Fitzhugh
"The dictionary is just a list of arguments waiting to happen."
— Dr. Cotton Fitzhugh
"I don't make the rules of grammar. I merely ignore them systematically."
— Dr. Cotton Fitzhugh
"Philosophy is asking why. Wordocology is asking why bother."
— Dr. Cotton Fitzhugh
"Some seek truth. I seek footnotes."
— Dr. Cotton Fitzhugh
"Never trust a semicolon; it's just a comma with aspirations."
— Dr. Cotton Fitzhugh
"Language is alive. Which explains why it's so hard to kill."
— Dr. Cotton Fitzhugh
"The only thing worse than being misquoted is being quoted accurately."
— Also Dr. Fitzhugh
Join the Fitzhugh Fellowship
Get exclusive updates, behind-the-scenes notes, and the occasional misused semicolon. Dr. Fitzhugh promises to email only when absolutely unnecessary.
Your information will be treated with the same care Dr. Fitzhugh applies to semicolons: sporadic and occasionally misguided, but always well-intentioned.